Column: My best idea yet | It’s the Pitts


I’ve tried everything to make a living in the cow business. I bought expensive replacement heifers when the grass was green and the price was high only to have to sell them for beef eight months later when the grass and the market both dried up. I tried the registered business but the paperwork drove my wife nuts and four different breed associations invited me to quit due to the genetic damage I was doing to their breed. I even tried the hunting and taxidermy business but the only wildlife on the place is squirrels and you’d be surprised how few interior decorators see the beauty in a dead squirrel hung on a wall. But now I think I really have found a way to make money in the cow business: Lee’s Everlasting Pastures Cow Spa, Hoof Salon and Memory Garden.
Currently one of the hottest business concepts is the spa business which gave me my latest  and greatest idea yet. No, I’m not thinking about sending my wife to a spa, after all, who’d be left at home to do all the work? Here’s my latest get-rich-scheme. We all have old and loyal cows who stood quietly in the squeeze chute, never got sick, didn’t tinkle on the hay, always calved during daylight hours without any assistance and never failed to bring a heavy calf to the weaning pen. But in the twilight of their lives how did we reward their years of service? We loaded them up, hauled them to the sales yard and sold them to ruthless cow buyers.
I don’t know about you but I always felt guilty doing this. So, to ease your guilty conscious, and help me make some money for a change, why not send your worn out cows to Lee’s Everlasting Pastures, Hoof Salon and Memory Garden. For only $300 per month per cow, you can send those favorite toothless mommas to my place where they can sleep in late, drink spring water and eat hay so good it’s usually reserved for Holsteins and horses. For the first time in their boring lives they won’t have to sleep on hard ground nor will they be chased by horny bulls, barked at by pain-in-the-patoot Border Collies or harassed by wolves. There will be no snotty-nosed-calves tugging at their flanks either.
On their first day at the spa all cows will be deloused, dewormed, treated to a cleansing foot bath and be misted with fragrant fly spray. Optional treatments for your favorite cows include seaweed body wraps and feedlot mud facials. Cows can spend the day lazing around the hay shed or standing in pond water to rid themselves of pesky heel flies. There will be stretching, cow yoga and bovine pilates and what cow doesn’t dream of an exfoliation by prickly pear cactus that will open their pores for a delightful eucalyptus oil body rub applied by my wife twice a day?
Our staff of scissor-hand-like clipper pros was recruited from only the best steer jockeys at Denver and they will comb, clip, and fluff the tails of your VIP cows. At great expense we’ve also employed Holstein hoof trimmers who will sand, paint and apply Swarovsky crystals to their hooves. And every cow will go home with their very own photograph standing in front of a banner heisted from the Fort Worth stock show so that for at least once in their lives your special cows will know what it feels like to be a Grand Champion.
There will be moo-tivational speakers to help your extra special cows get in touch with their inner bovineness and celebrity guest chefs Baxter Black and Mad Jack Hanks will barbecue psychodelic mushrooms for your cows while they chew their cud around a bonfire of burning tires.
Should one of your old cows pass away while a guest at our spa you can rest easy knowing she’ll be treated with dignity while being buried in our Everlasting Pastures Memorial Garden with a black draped backhoe. For an additional fee we can even arrange for a short non-denominational service by pastor Pitts.
Lee’s Everlasting Pastures Cow Spa, Hoof Salon and Memory Garden was rated the number one cow spa in America by the Wyoming Livestock Roundup and The Ozona Stockman, Tri State Livestock News and Gulf Coast Cattleman
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